the essays and memoirs of a total loser
This is broken up into separate archives based on topic to make things easier to find and help people jump right to what interests them the most. There's memoirs, politics, mental health and addiction destigmatization, spirituality and like... life and stuff... man... in that order:
Finally, y’all get the context that was left out of “The Beatdown”
If you’ve ever read “Well… That Was Definitely An Experience…” then you’ve heard the end of my trip story “The Waterworks Fiasco” where I ended up running from the cops tripping balls on 8 hits of acid. Here’s the full story, which I’ve made into a memoir of a trip story and titled “The Waterworks Fiasco”…
Have A Nice Trip!
In this chapter of L&T I finally reach adulthood, crash a car… or two, go to county jail, have a psychotic break, get addicted to meth, and then finally get hit by a cop car while running from the police tripping on acid. Boring Boring stuff.
“And when you wake up, everything is gonna be fine.
Guarantee that you wake in a better place, in a better time.
So you’re tired of livin’? Feel like you might give in?
Well don’t. It’s not your time.“
- Tomas ”Toh Kay” Kalnoky, Frontman of the band “Streetlight Manifesto”
“I’m what happens when you live by the motto ‘Live Fast, Die Young’ then you realize how stupid that is and stay alive instead.”
— Someone Who Fucked Up and Survived
In chapter five of “The Life and Times of a Total Loser” I talk about the eventful year I had between spring of ‘03 until summer of ‘04. I dropout of high school at 16, start attending college almost immediately, then drop out of college. I also lost my virginity in the most awkward way imaginable and met the dude who ended up being my best friend for the last 15 years.
The first part of my mission to tell my life’s story. This one covers up until the third grade and has been described as “an emotional rollercoaster” by my friends.
Here’s chapter two of my autobiography in progress. This covers up until the fifth grade.
In part three I talk about my middle school years and the event that pushed from “kinda misbehaving” into “developing sociopath”.
I drove my father to suicide with pathological emotional abuse. Here’s my recollection of the night I found his body and the events leading up to it.
Chapter four of my little autobiographical adventure. This one touches on my “High School days”, which is an inaccurate term ‘cause I spent them completely ditching school every day unless literally forced to be there somehow.
I got beat up by 8 dudes while I laughed at them and called them pussies the entire time in the summer of ‘08. Here’s the full tale.
This is the essay that led to this entire site becoming a thing. In this one, I discuss the toxicity that’s rampant in American political discourse and make observations about how our collective behavior on social media is responsible for a lot of the systemic gridlock we face.
I explain that our political spectrum isn’t a strictly left-to-right straight line, but a rad 3D dinosaur, set on three axes instead. What kind of dinosaur you ask? It’s unclear, but we suspect a ptrexodactyl
Extremism isn’t just a problem that effects religion. This monster has hijacked political partisanship and run ripshod through our system.
This is the antipartisan essay about brainwashing where I blast Liberals for the hypocrisy that created Trump.
I encourage everybody (some stipulations attached) to melt their minds with psychedelics, in a scientifically literate, medically safe, and socially responsible way. (only a lil’ tiny bit) This one is very thoroughly researched with links to research data supporting all claims.
Still, drop some acid and ride that dragon to Valhalla for the good of society, brother.
I compare the pros and cons of both Socialism and Capitalism, and have problem stopping the other guy in my head from taking control of my fingers.
If you want a violent revolution in this country, you’re an idiot. That’ll only lead to martial law being declared and the American people ending up with less freedom than we started with.
The diehards on both sides tend to miss the point. I rip apart every political propaganda meme I’ve seen on Facebook from both parties and give you the answer to the shooter crisis Please steal my idea and say it’s yours if it means getting the mayhem to stop.
How can we be “The Land of the Free” when we deprive more citizens of their freedom than any planet on Earth? Here I discuss overinceration and the failed drug war.
This article is essentially me talking about how much I love The Washington Redskins aesthetic, and why I think it’s more racist for Native Americans to tell me I have to think of the negative connotations they hear in the word “Redskin” instead of letting me see them as noble, dignified people with an indomitable spirit I think of when I hear the word.
This one is one of my most popular essays… It explores both why drawing lines is necessary, and why crossing them is just as important for us as a society.
My younger brother wrote a great essay about his addiction to MMORPG's that I felt belonged in this archive. Addiction is more than just drugs, as the title says…
This ones a comprehensive look at how and why I manage my Antisocial Personality Disorder.
The last of my memoirs about my addictions, I talk about my #1 Most Favoritest Drug: Weed
I talk about my last major addiction: Meth.
I talk about the time my buddy Death and I got addicted to synthetic cannabinoids.
A sincere look back to a time in my life that’s way more relatable than it should be.
In what’ll hopefully be my last essay on ASPD, I explain general personality disorder and comorbid traits. Then, I recount life experiences that I attribute to my personality disorder forming, as well as the ones that led to my commitment to reform.
Ever wonder what life looks like through the eyes of a sociopath? For starters, we feel the full spectrum of emotion including guilt or empathy. The disorder comes from a subconscious rejection of social constructs, not anything physiologically different.
The only memoir outside of LoT, this is a sobering look at my struggles with alcoholism. Don’t worry, it doesn’t end in a 12-step meeting and I’m not trying to be your sponsor. I’m actually quite stoned as I’m writing this teaser. I did put down the bottle though, and I’m never picking it back up for as long as I live. After you read this, you’ll see exactly why.
This is an attempt at destigmatization through education. First, I explain why going on a mass shooting doesn’t necessarily mean someone has a mental diagnosis. Then I explain my two very serious diagnoses, Antisocial Personality Disorder(sociopathy) and Bipolar Disorder, in great detail before handing everyone the answer to the shooter crisis.
In this article, I explain how the vast majority of people in our society view drugs incorrectly and people completely misunderstand how to treat addiction. After that, I talk about a more realistic alternative to total abstinence for addicts in search of solace.
This essay aims to help people practice better disciplined critical thinking by illustrating a common logical trap I used to fall into, laying out ground rules that make it impossible to make basic logical missteps, and then using those rules analyze some common conspiracy theories with that new perspective.
I fire my consciousness back in time to hear Albert Hoffman’s thoughts during the first acid trip ever, discover that intellectuals can’t be famous, and then tell some of my better trip stories.
Last Sunday I got really baked and found myself discussing ultimate chillaxciousness and pteraptorsauric gorilla fighters in a Pantheism group on the Facepage. I explained how I envision the concept of Eternity by jabbering on about the Daojia, and my comment got enshrined here with Baby Baphomet somehow
In this one, my Buddhist buddy Dan and I team up for the epic legendary sequel to “Muh Boy Da Buddha”
In this one, I solve all religious conflict throughout history by making the term “God” so ambiguous, there’s no other option other than to agree it exists.
Heresy and blasphemy about how only God can judge, so love your fellow man unconditionally because God does.
I talk about my spiritual journey, preach for a bit about what I’ve learned, and then get attacked by an asinine abomination.
A look at my understanding of the wise Gotama the Buddha’s teachings. Siddhartha Gotama was truly a great man with some life-changing lessons for the world. Come see his insights after they’ve been filtered through the mind of a stoned college dropout.
My theory that our universe is either a subatomic particle or the morning gas God had after a late night Taco Bell run.
My incoherent rambling about why I love the Dao, ways a Jedi can go about using the force, and the reasons why dudes say, “The Dude Abides.” At the end of the day, the free-spirited, nature loving, “choose your own adventure” spirit of the Dao is the most sensical and practical religious philosophy to me.
Atheism is just as faith-based as any religion. Agnosticism is the only stance you can take on the existence of a God if you want to claim you’re basing your belief on logic, but cold logic can’t provide you with the spiritual nourishment all humans crave.
Baha’i is a religion that claims all religions contain pieces of the truth. However, the Baha’i also claim the religions we know have been corrupted by man over time and a new religion for the new age has to be created. I ask what that religion would need to set it apart.
I was raised in the fires of the old web when unminimizable Netzero banners ruled supreme over the land and AOL discs plagued every mailbox. I fought for the phone lines, and was tempered by the nerdrage of 1000 gamer message boards before social media came and tamed the land. I've wandered this hallowed intarweb for who knows how long now, perhaps eons. I've seen the dark places of the tubez and know the content that's shared there too well. My mind has been forever warped and made random from ceaseless flame wars with the paintchuggers who are the internet. Those flame wars continue to this very day. You phone browsing normies will never know what I've endured on my travels, only to end up aimlessly scrolling the Facepage and scouring the reddits feeding off the dankness of spicy memes, cat pics, and the salty tears of n00bs to n00bish to know the lag of the phone times...
I think here... here I may find my solace... here... I can finally find peace...
This is the intro to my upcoming book, but really it’s a thank you for all the fans who’ve read incomprehensible garbage.
I was pretty proud of a poem I had laying around, and so I decided I’d share it with you guys
Knowledge is power and you always need more of it
Chronic Indoctrination Syndrome is a dangerous mental disorder caused by overconsumption of blatant propaganda and an inability to fact-check. Here’s a short description.
A tribute to my favorite band(s) Streetlight Manifesto/Bandits of the Acoustic Revolution/Toh Kay, which are all fronted by my favorite musician Tomas Kalnoky.
AMERICA (FUCK YEAH!) COMIN’ AGAIN TO SAVE THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ DAY, YEAH!
AMERICA (FUCK YEAH!) FREEDOM IS THE ONLY WAY!
Someone asked people to explain what the phrase “Oedipus Complex” meant, and then the game ended up dead under mysterious circumstances. Foul play is suspected. I swear I wasn’t involved.
A very short essay I made spontaneously out of reverence for the men and women who’ve died for our freedom.
An essay I wrote for my Mommy as a way to give her something special for Mother’s Day. It perfectly explains why my Mommy is just indescribably perfect. Thank you, Mommy! You’re the very bestest!
This little tribute is something I put together because I wanted to leave the positive legacy my Father deserves. This is how my one-of-a-kind Father deserves to be remembered.
This beautiful piece of writing is too inspirational to have come from my twisted, pessimistic, cynical mind yet somehow it did. I definitely felt inspired by a spiritual fire when I wrote this.