Freedom Is The Shit, Muh Dudes

(If you don't get this joke, you've wasted your life)

(If you don't get this joke, you've wasted your life)

So I’m chillin’ here in the hood in west Cleveland kickin’ it just doin’ my thing and I noticed there’s *a lot* more gunshots poppin’ off than normal. Then I looked at the date on my computer, realized what tomorrow is, and was like, “OH WAIT THAT WASN’T A DRUG DEAL GONE BAD! IT’S BOOM BOOMS FOR FREEDOM!!!

Hell yes. This is always been one of my favorite times of year, because honestly how can you hate lighting shit on fire and watching massive explosions? People hate on Michael Bay, but that dude knows what’s important in life. God bless ‘Murica.

I see SO much hate for America from whiny pussies online who don’t know how fucking great we have it here. They don’t realize people in the DPRK get their entire family  hauled off to prison for life talking the kind shit they do. They don’t get that 400 years ago, people were tortured, flogged, jailed, forced into labor, and burned at the stake for not converting to Catholicism in places like Spain. That fifth amendment that everyone hates on so much? It’s actually one of the most amazing legal protections ever in the history of man. If that weren’t there, law enforcement could *invent* a crime you didn’t commit, then force you to testify to it, and if you denied it in your testimony (re: tell the truth), charge you with perjury for not admitting to their allegation. The Bill of Rights is so goddamn dope I’d marry the motherfucker if the courts would recognize a union between a man and a historical document.

The Constitution of the United States of America is by far the most powerful legal document ever written. It set a wildfire across the world in countries where people wanted the same freedoms we have, and it’s been copied 1,000 times over. Without America, the world would still be a series of monarchies operating on a system of nobility. 

People bring up the global war as their rationalization for calling America evil; to me that seems small-minded and short sighted. Yeah, war is ugly and since we’re fighting in one we’ve had to do some ugly things. You know who’s just as bad about that? Our enemies in Russia and China. Guess what, those places don’t have a dope ass Bill of Rights protecting their citizens, and openly oppress things like free speech and freedom of religion. 

People always point at our allies and say, “Why can’t you guys be more like them America? The Nordic states got it goin’ on. The Swiss make it a policy to not engage in foreign wars. Call all your troops back to base, press escape, and click Surrender. (Real life works just like an RTS, right?) Just be like the rest of the West. It’s not that hard.” What they fail to realize is that without us, all of those places would be member states of the U.S.S.R., along with every other nation on Earth. That shit only collapsed cause we fuggin’ collapsed it. Our military is the only thing protecting The Western World. Without us, NATO doesn’t stand a chance. We’re not fighting for resources like oil for corporate profits. We’re fighting for resources to fuel our defense of this thing called “Freedom”. That isn’t mindless rhetoric, it’s the goddamn facts of the situation.

Yes, American corporations and ally nations have profited. What's the point of fighting a war for freedom if it doesn't benefit us? Do you go to work every morning so that a third-world child can have your paycheck, or do you go to pay your rent and feed yourself? If you go so a third-world child can have your paycheck, why haven't you mailed that kid your paycheck yet? How'd you buy that fancy smartphone you're reading this from? Who's paying for your data plan? The fact that we benefit in some doesn't make it wrong. People aren't giving up their lives for nothing.
(Before you say, "But people are suffering because of our success!", keep in mind that somewhere there's a homeless unemployed dude that applied for your job and didn't get it because you did)

I’m not sayin’ America is perfect; I’ve got plenty of essays talkin’ about some shit we need to fix pronto. The Drug War is a sham and it’s a direct enemy to our freedom. Drone strikes create more enemies than the kill. A forming corporatocracy threatens to send us back to serfdom. We need to do a better job of caring for the poor, but goddammit, we’re still free(~ish). (The “~ish” is in reference to overincarceration)

A lot of folks still don’t realize how lucky we are despite all that. I used to be such a person. There’s places in the world where people spend their days walking miles barefoot to get water they can drink so they can come home and eat gruel if they’re lucky to eat at all. They hear about this magical land called “America” and think there’s no way a place like this could possibly exist. That may sound crazy, but I promise there’s people on this planet that think our home is a myth. We’re blessed to live here, and people need to stop taking that for granted before they accidentally take a step in the wrong direction.

So go twirl some sparklers, get some of those fire snake thingies, light off some roman candles if you’re lucky enough to live somewhere those awesome things are legal, and watch your local government launch mortars with pride knowing that you live in the Land of the Free(~ish).

I’m what happens when you live by the motto ‘Live Fast, Die Young’ then you fuck up and survive
— A Self-Contradicting Patriot