Alley's Essay About Losing Her Grandmother

The first piece of writing that I'm not responsible for. The author is my good friend, Alley Mae
Hi, I'm Alley. I recently lost my grandmother, and really just need to rant. Thanks for listening.

~I believe people should be able to choose when they're ready to move on from this life. ~

Like I said, I just watched the last two weeks of my grandmother's life. We just left her calling hours where she had an open casket. She looks nothing like the person I knew before the monster known as cancer ate her alive. I couldn't quit looking at her. My family was staring at me like I was a freak, but really my stomach was churning at the thought of her lying there. I practically vomited when I got home. I would've much rather been able to give her a hug and a kiss and tell her how much she means to me... how much she meant to my entire family while she was coherent and was able to speak. 

Last week she couldn't even voice that she wanted to use an actual toilet and not the bed pan. She got frustrated because we couldn't understand what she meant. She wanted to move on in her bed at home cozy with her blankets. I believe she should've been able to say goodbye to everyone and then laid down and went to sleep and that was that.

I don't want to end up like that. Unable to tell someone I don't want to s&*! in a pan.

~People should hold living funerals before they go to say all the things they need to say, because there's no promise of an afterlife.~

I personally wish to hold a living funeral and be able to tell everyone I love them. Then I want to lay down in bed and drift peacefully away from this place. I want to be able to see all of the people who care about me. I want to see everyone rejoice in my life and the way I spent it. I want to be able to choose when I'm done I don't want to be begging for death to come greet me because I'm suffering. 

Yes, it'll be sad, but I'll get to cry with everyone and say proper goodbyes. I don't want to hope there'll be some afterlife and I'll get to see my family over my casket saying the things they wish they said to me when I was alive.

~Another thing. F&*! open caskets.~

I get needing closure, but seriously they look nothing like they did when they were alive. The funeral home made her smile. Why? She never smiled like that. She grinned and chuckled. You can't recreate such a lively thing on such a dead person. 

I refuse to believe the person in that casket was the person that tucked me in bed and kissed my knees and took my family in when we were in need. The person I know came before the monster got to her and before the 6 months she went with that thing ripping her up from the inside. 

She was carefree and lovable during the time before all that. She felt so much better when she took care of my mom during her hip surgery. 

That thing literally ate her up and spit her out. Then they put the leftovers out for viewing. 

She doesn't deserve to be remembered like that. I don't want to be remembered like that. 

I want people to remember me as I am now or whenever it's my time.

~The thing about death is you now know and start to realize about what a piece of s&*! you were to that person.~

You always thinks there'll always be a tomorrow, right up until it's too late. I always thought calling my grandma was a burden because she'd just talk non-stop about random shows or her books. I hated being on the phone, so I was always like "well I'll call her tomorrow". Now it's too late. 

What I'd give to just watch a Barbie movie with her or a cooking show. Bake some cookies or make some chocolate bark. 

When I reached 15, I always treated her like a burden. I always avoided talking to her because there would always be tomorrow. 

When the monster was sleeping during those very short months, I thought I had all the time in the world, so I took too much time. Then it was too hard to see her slowly get eaten alive. I avoided it even more when I shouldn't have. 

I had plans to take her over a late Christmas present and watch the new Christopher Robin movie with her when it came out. She'll never know I had that plan. She probably thought I was upset with her because of family circumstances but really it was just so hard. I always assumed there would be another day.

I was so angry when she decided to not undergo chemo but I'm told it lengthened her time and gave her a better end. I would have had even less time if she hadn't made that decision.

I never got to say a proper goodbye. I never had time. Everyone was always too close around me. I wish I wasn't so prideful to sob in front of people. I wish I didn't always have to put on such a brave front.

I screamed at the sky tonight and sobbed, hoping there's some sort of in-between and she could hear me apologize for being such a s&*!ty person. I never want anyone to feel how I feel. It really is terrible I just want to curl into a ball and ner move or do anything ever again. 

I told her I'd do the stuff I was supposed to do. I hope she can see me from wherever she's gone and watch me grow. I hope she can watch me become less of a s&*! head.

I just wish I could have told her how I feel.
Photo Credit: Wendy Way Lyons

Alley Mae