Just Because...


Just because...
For my children...

My nails are starting to get ridges in them, like my mother’s.
I remember, as a child, wondering why hers were like that.

I remember well my mother’s hands-
Constant, work-worn,
Plain, nails neatly trimmed.
My mother.
Responsible for everything,
To blame for everything.
How do you ever make sense of it all?
The beauty of my childhood, the comfort of it.

The tragedy of it.
In many ways, it was a better life.
A better life than now, better than my children’s.
But there was a huge invisible hole in it.

Just because.

Just because life is like that sometimes.
Just because our parents are only broken children, too.

Just because

Life is full of sadness, and children’s hearts always

Get broken.

Just because life is never perfect.
Just because people are so human.

And now?

I’m bankrupt, divorced, unemployed.

But sober.
I have a few friends.
I have a little dignity,
I have my children.
Sometimes, I have a little peace.
I’d like my children to have a better life-
To feel like they have a “normal” life.
By the time I get there,
I hope it’s not too late
For them.

Is it enough to say,
“I’m lucky to be alive,
I’m lucky to be sober to raise them-
It could all be so much worse, or not at all?”

Is it enough to tell them,
“I’m doing the best I can?”
Is it enough to say,
“Just because…”
“Just because life is like that?”
It has to be.
It’s all any of us gets.
And now,

My nails are starting to get ridges in them,

Like my mother’s.

Written by my Mommy

This one really touches my heart. I can see how much Mommy cares about my brothers and I being happy. I get the feeling that she thinks she let us down, but let me assure everyone that's not the case. Mom did the best she could with what she had, and that was pretty damn good in the grand scheme of things. Just the fact that she cares as much as she does means I hit the jackpot when it comes to Mommy lottery.

Just because life isn't perfect doesn't mean it's your fault our lives weren't perfect, Mommy! Love ya lots; thanks for everything you do! 

♥ Cya next week!!! ♥